Clear instruction on the example of domestic conflict. In any relationship, sooner or later disagreements arise.
There is a way to resolve disagreements constructively, as Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenney, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler write about in their book, Difficult Dialogues. The authors offer simple tools that allow you to calmly discuss problems and find solutions that benefit all parties to the conflict.
How to behave in a conflict situation
1. Start with yourself
Answer the questions as honestly and thoroughly as possible.
What do I want as a result of the conflict for myself?
What do I want to get as a result of the conflict with my opponent?
What do I want to accomplish for our relationship?
Questions will help to understand your true motives and more consciously approach the dialogue.
2. Watch for signals.
In a conflict, it is important that the parties feel safe. In this case, the participants communicate as equals: calmly, frankly, and respectfully. However, conflicts are often accompanied by strong emotions and sometimes it can be difficult to figure out where the conversation has gone wrong. This page will help you find a new partner.
Several signs can help you recognize the moment of loss of trust and safety in time.
- Physical reactions: clenched fists, shifted eyebrows, tears in the eyes, lump in the throat, voice trembling.
- Emotions: fear, resentment, anger, sadness.
- Behavior: indifference, getting out of the dialogue, being categorical, labeling, insults, threats.
3. Restore safety.
When you’ve picked up on dangerous signals, it’s time to restore safety.
Apologize if you’ve lost your temper or if you’ve been disrespectful to the person you’re talking to.
If your interlocutor misunderstood you, explain what you mean: «I don’t mean to say that you’re lazy, I notice and appreciate your help. What I mean is, since we both work, it would be fair to divide household chores equally.»
Find a common goal that is in the best interest of both parties: «Let’s think about how to keep order with minimal effort.»
4. Control Your Emotions
When we are overwhelmed by strong feelings, it is difficult to continue the conversation constructively. Sometimes the fear, resentment, or anger are so strong that you want to get out of the dialogue altogether. To avoid falling into the trap of emotion, ask yourself questions that help you look at the situation differently. Let’s look at unproductive behavioral strategies and ways to change them.
5. Speak Respectfully.
Share facts, not assessments
Evaluation: «You’re lazy. You’re always looking for excuses.»
Fact: «The last three times you refused to help me clean, so I cleaned alone.
Explain how you see the situation
Be consistent: Before you jump to conclusions, describe the chain of events that led you to those thoughts.
Bad: «You don’t appreciate my hard work.»
Good: «Last Sunday you refused to help me clean, so I cleaned up alone. And when I came back from work on Monday, I found a dirty stove in the kitchen, and on the floor in the bedroom — a stain from spilled tea. It hurt me: I had been tidying up all Sunday, and on Monday the apartment was dirty again. I got the feeling that you do not appreciate my work.
Avoid being categorical
Remember that the person you are talking to is entitled to an opinion different from yours. Make it clear that you respect someone else’s point of view.
Bad: «In families where both partners work, household chores should be shared equally. Anyone who thinks otherwise is retrograde and sexist!»
Good: «I think since we both work, it would be fair to divide household chores equally. How do you feel about that?»
6. Listen thoughtfully.
Ask for the other person’s opinion.
Maintain a safe atmosphere so he/she can speak freely: don’t interrupt, don’t get distracted, and remain calm and friendly.
Be aware of non-verbal cues
If the interlocutor’s facial expressions or actions contradict what he says, point out the discrepancy. Probably, the interlocutor is not completely frank, because he no longer feels safe.
Help the person to express his or her position
If the person talks in a safe environment but is still not telling you something, suggest their thoughts and feelings. Sometimes all it takes is a little nudge for the person to readily continue.
Agree out loud
If the person voiced a thought with which you agree, say so. In most cases, people continue to argue over minor disagreements, losing sight of the fact that they agree with each other on the main and truly important points.
7. Come up with a plan.
More is needed to negotiate correctly and come to a joint decision. It is necessary to make a plan for its implementation: think about concrete steps, agree on deadlines, and distribute responsibility. Otherwise, agreements will remain words, and the conflict will not be resolved.
When the person you are talking to walks away from the conversation
It is not a good idea to start a dialogue if the person is sick, has strong emotions (anger, resentment, sadness), or is busy. Remember, however, that the person may use excuses to avoid discussing the problem
1. be persistent and agree on a specific time frame
2. Ask why the person is avoiding the conversation.
Ask or speculate. He may not feel comfortable discussing specific topics because of his upbringing (such as sex) or because of past negative experiences. It is important to maintain a safe atmosphere: no pressure, no accusations, and no criticism.
Repeatedly walking away from a dialogue without a good reason can demonstrate the indifference of the interlocutor to your needs. Consider whether you are ready to continue the relationship in which the other party is not interested.
When the agreement is failing
You and the person you are talking to are not able to find a common solution: each insists on his point of view. When all reasonable arguments are used, resentments, insults, and complaints begin, and the dialogue turns into a scandal.
1. Set Rules.
They will help not to go beyond a constructive conversation. For example, use only «I-statements»: instead of reproaches and accusations, talk about your thoughts and emotions that arose in response to the situation.
2. Invite a moderator.
An impartial third person will help steer the dialogue in a peaceful direction and find a joint solution. The moderator can be a family psychologist, a colleague from a nearby department, or a mutual friend — the main thing is that the person should not be interested in the conflict
When the opponent imposes his conditions
Sometimes the interlocutor tries to impose his point of view at any cost, even if it threatens to worsen or break up the relationship. He puts forward conditions «bear with it or leaves.
Coercion is the least favorable outcome of the conflict: the participant demonstrates a lack of respect for your needs and intolerance for other people’s views.
Explain to the interlocutor that such categorical statements are inappropriate: together we can find a solution that suits everyone. If the person continues to insist on the outcome is only convenient for him — think about whether you need unequal relationships, where you constantly have to endure and give in.
Memo of the participant of the conflict
- Answer the questions so you can be better prepared for dialogue:
- What do I want to get for myself?
- What do I want to get for my opponent?
- What do I want to get for our relationship?
2. Watch for signals to recognize the moment of loss of security: physical reactions, emotions, and behavior.
3. Restore safety:
- apologize;
- explain;
- seek common purpose.
4. Control your emotions. Ask yourself questions that help you look at the situation differently:
- Am I trying to overlook my role in creating this problem?
- Why would a reasonable, decent, and rational person do this?
- What can I do to move forward to achieve what I want?
5. Speak respectfully:
Share the facts;
speak coherently about your view of the situation;
avoid being categorical.
6. Listen thoughtfully:
- be interested in the interlocutor’s opinion;
- Point out inconsistencies between words and emotions;
- Make assumptions about your opponent’s thoughts and feelings;
- Agree openly.
7. Think through a plan:
- describe specific steps;
- agree on a timeline;
- assign responsibility.